If only the Monty Python Troupe were American Conservatives. I am certain you have heard the routine where the old farts, or rather gentlemen, are sitting around trying to out-do each other about how bad they had it as children.
So we have John Cleese playing an aged Hero of Chappaquidick [sic] who says, "We have it so bad in America we have Three Mile Island and tens of thousands of people were frightened." And Terry Gilliam as Gorby, Hero of the Soviet Union, says, "Three Mile Island??!! Oh, how we'd love to have have Three Mile Island, In Russia we had Chernobyl and hundreds of people killed, tens of thousands of square miles radioactive and entire cities evacuated."
Hero: Some of our poor have to sleep in shelters.
Gorby: Shelters?!?! Our people live 16 to an apartment and have to hot bunk it to sleep. Oh how we would love to have your shelters.
Hero: Our poor go hungry.
Gorby: Hungry?!?! Our people wait in line ten hours a day just to buy a potato.
Hero: Some of our poor live in cars?
Gorby: Cars!?!?
Hero: We have an affordable housing problem.
Gorby: Affordable? Oh how we would love to have housing at any price.
Hero: We have racial and ethnic prejudice.
Gorby: Prejudice? How I'd love to have just prejudice. I have army divisions all over the SU trying to keep ethics from killing each other.
Hero: We are in the midst of a Reagan Recession.
Gorby: Recession?!?! Oh, how I'd love to have a recession like yours. We haven't been up to your Depression standards since the Revolution.
Hero: The Republicans are trying to cover up their lack of concern for the farmers of America.
Gorby: Lack of concern? Cover up?!?! I would love to have to just cover up lack of concern. I have to cover up the murder of twenty million of them.
Hero: Our forests are dying of air pollution.
Gorby: Forests??!!? Oh, how I'd love to have just forests dying instead of the people. Air pollution?!!? I'd love to have just the air polluted instead of the air and the water and the land and the lakes and the rivers.
Hero: In America we don't have enough control of guns.
Gorby: There I have you! In Russia we have complete control of all guns.